{"id":3895,"date":"2014-06-27T06:54:38","date_gmt":"2014-06-27T10:54:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/kerryhannon.com\/?p=3895"},"modified":"2014-06-27T06:54:38","modified_gmt":"2014-06-27T10:54:38","slug":"boomer-couples-and-money-my-advice-for-avoiding-fights","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/kerryhannon.com\/?p=3895","title":{"rendered":"Boomer Couples and Money: My Advice for Avoiding Fights"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"next-ave\"<\/a>Couples and money is a subject near and dear to my heart.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve interviewed hundreds of women about everything from their investing habits to their fears of being penniless.<\/p>\n

And, frankly, I\u2019ve lived it. In my 22-year marriage with my husband, Cliff, we\u2019ve had tearful squabbles over finances and happily spent money together for priceless, shared experiences, such as walking along the heavy stones of The Great Wall of China.<\/p>\n

So when I saw the new Money magazine blockbuster\u00a0survey<\/span><\/a>\u00a0of more than 1,000 married adults about marriage and money, it grabbed my attention. I found the responses compelling, a little disturbing, but mostly hopeful. To hear Money\u2019s take, I spoke with Diane Harris, its executive editor. (In full disclosure, I\u2019m a contributing writer for Money, have known Harris for more than two decades and some Next Avenue content appears on\u00a0Money.com<\/span><\/a>.)<\/p>\n

(MORE<\/b>:\u00a07 Money Tips for Breadwinner Wives<\/span><\/a>)<\/span><\/p>\n

Money Fights Lessen With Age<\/strong><\/p>\n

One finding that came as no surprise to me: No matter how much a husband or wife earns, money remains the top cause of conflict for couples, with spending an acutely combative issue. In fact, 70% of married couples argue about money<\/span><\/a>\u00a0\u2014 ahead of fights about household chores, togetherness, sex, snoring and what\u2019s for dinner,\u201d according to the survey.<\/p>\n

Now let me get to the hopeful news about boomer couples.<\/p>\n

(Read column on Forbes<\/a> here)<\/p>\n

Overall, the survey said, boomer couples generally argue much less about money than couples in their 30s and 40s.<\/p>\n

Specifically, while 80% of couples age 35 to 44 argue about money, only about 70% of those age 55 to 64 do. And fewer than 60% of couples over 65 have money tussles.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy theory on this is that if money is going to be a problem, you work it out, or you split up,\u201d Harris told me. \u201cMore boomer couples have been married for a longer time and have somehow managed to work it out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Another reason money battles may be less common with age: Having kids in the house causes a lot of financial friction. \u201cMore boomer couples now no longer have children at home, so one of the big sources of tension goes \u2014 or it\u2019s only on the occasional weekend,\u201d Harris said, with a laugh.<\/p>\n

(Incidentally, the\u00a0Women and Financial Power survey<\/span><\/a>\u00a0by Ameriprise Financial released this week shows that boomer women have more confidence about financial matters than younger ones. An impressive 91% of boomer women surveyed said they feel it\u2019s their responsibility to understand their financial situation, compared to 82% of Gen X and Gen Y women.)<\/p>\n

A Surprising Finding About Earnings<\/strong><\/p>\n

Harris and I were also encouraged to see the Money survey refute the conventional wisdom that money fights increase when\u00a0women are significant contributors<\/span><\/a>\u00a0to the household income.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe found quite the opposite,\u201d said Harris. Spouses in households where women earn as much as, or more than, men were just as much in love as others. On a one to five scale, six in 10 of these couples gave their relationship a five (\u201cvery much in love\u201d).<\/p>\n

\u201cYou hear all of this stuff about when women earn as much or more it\u2019s problematic. It hurts the fragile male ego. He feels emasculated,\u201d said Harris. But, in reality, the men found it \u201cliberating not to have all the financial pressure on their shoulders,\u201d she noted.<\/p>\n

But there\u2019s a hitch. Just because the high-earning women are in love with their husbands, that doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re blissfully happy. In fact, they worry significantly more about money than their husbands do and pinpoint money as an area of tension in their relationship, according to the survey.<\/p>\n

\u201cWomen are feeling a tremendous strain,\u201d said Harris. Tackling the finances is \u201cone more thing on working women\u2019s to-do list when they already feel totally flat out.\u201d<\/p>\n

(MORE:\u00a0<\/b>The Retirement Talk Couples Need to Have \u2014 Now!<\/span><\/a>)<\/span><\/p>\n

A Profound Finding About Money Decisions<\/strong><\/p>\n

One finding that I felt was profound, if not astonishing: As women\u2019s contribution to the household income grows, they take a much bigger role in financial management and decision-making. They become more involved, more confident and more knowledgeable about managing money, Harris noted. Arguments about frivolous spending lessen, because husbands don\u2019t feel they have the right to question what their wives are paying for.<\/p>\n

About 80% of the wives in Money\u2019s survey who earn more than their husbands say they\u2019re \u201cvery or extremely\u201d knowledgeable about financial matters, compared with just over half of those who earn less. (The lower-earning women are three times as likely to say they know \u201cvery little\u201d about money.)<\/p>\n

The survey found that when a husband earns substantially more than a wife, he tends to make the big long-term financial decisions, including investing and retirement planning. But when women earn as much or more, those decisions are\u00a0collaborative<\/i>.<\/p>\n

\u201cBreadwinner women don\u2019t suddenly start making all of those decisions, and men take a back seat,\u201d said Harris. \u201cIt\u2019s that women drive a collaborative style. For us, it\u2019s \u2018we do\u2019 vs. \u2018I do.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

I applaud that collaboration, because women and men tend to have different approaches to investing. Studies have shown that women are more apt to take their time and do a lot of research before making an investment decision, while men tend to trade more frequently and be more willing to swing for the fences. So a blend of the two styles can be a genuine checks-and-balances win for couples.<\/p>\n

4 Tips to Avoid Money Fights<\/strong><\/p>\n

All that said, money fights are part of nearly any marriage. So here are my four top tips for wives to help prevent them:<\/p>\n

1. Have your own bank account.<\/strong>\u00a0I suggest keeping both a separate checking and savings account, but that\u2019s not always right for every couple. You and your husband might agree on a monthly amount that you\u2019ll each put into your separate accounts to be used at your discretion.<\/p>\n

In our marriage, I manage my own retirement accounts, and Cliff manages his. We also have investment accounts outside of our retirement funds that we jointly manage. It works for us.<\/p>\n

2. Seek professional help.<\/strong>\u00a0Meet with a fee-only financial planner to deal with any conflicting money goals once or twice a year. It\u2019s good to have an objective, detached, knowledgeable third party to help keep your household\u2019s finances on track.<\/p>\n

Your adviser can help the two of you plan for the long-term and hold you both accountable for setting and reaching goals.<\/p>\n

3. Talk to each other about money stresses.<\/strong>\u00a0Set aside time each week for a freewheeling chat about how things are going for your jobs and your finances. Listen. Listen. Listen. Stay united. Emotional support is indispensable.<\/p>\n

4. Finally, don\u2019t be afraid to spend money on things you love to do together.\u00a0G<\/strong>ive yourselves permission to shell out for fun joint outings, whether it\u2019s a weekly date night or a periodic trip \u2014 even a weekend getaway \u2014 for the two of you.<\/p>\n

Oh, and leave the laptop at home.<\/p>\n

by\u00a0Kerry Hannon<\/a><\/b><\/i><\/p>\n

Kerry Hannon has spent more than 25 years covering personal finance for Forbes, Money, U.S. News & World Report and USA Today. Her website is\u00a0<\/i>kerryhannon.com<\/i><\/span><\/a>. Follow her on Twitter\u00a0<\/i>@kerryhannon<\/i><\/span><\/a>.<\/i><\/p>\n

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